Where to start?
1 Replies
Estellla - December 18

I came here to find help and support. It happened so that I can’t carry a baby. I had 6 MCs. I don’t think I will be able to cope with another one. It’s so hard and so unbearable! I feel miserable and I feel ashamed in front of my husband. I lost 6 children… I hate myself for this. I don’t understand why me? What have I done to suffer like this? All of my friends have families. They have kids, they have everything! And here I am who can’t even carry my own child. Of course I’m happy for them! Sometimes they ask me to stay with their kids, when they have work or some other staff. I love to play with them, read fairytales and buy toys for them. I feel so happy at that moment! I imagine how it would be if my children were alive, with us… Doctors said they don’t know the reason and advised us to try ART. I don’t want to waste time any more. It’s hard to live like this, tearing myself with guilt. Now I’m looking into surrogacy. But I’m so scared. I receive support from my husband. He thinks that surrogacy is a very good option for us. But both mine and his parents think that surrogacy is wrong and unnatural. I read here, how girls are grateful to their families. I have completely different situation. My parents blame me all the time. They think I do something wrong and that’s why I lost my children. My mother told me, that all women in our family have an amazing health and no one ever had problems with carrying their children. I tried to explain them that it’s not true. They never listen and we argue all the time. My husband is the only one who supports me. I just really hope that everything will change! I hope surrogacy will give us chance to be happy. Any advice? What should we consider? Where to start our search?


Estellla - December 25

I should say I'm a little bit stuck now with my research on surrogacy. My mind is full of completely different thoughts. The reason of this is upcoming baby shower of one of my friends. As I've mentioned already I try to avoid relatives and friends who have kids. I should say it seems to me that everyone have children. I literally don't talk to anyone. I received an invitation from her about a week ago. All I can think about is upcoming event. I've been to many baby showers and this was always a hard time for me. I'm thinking about this whole terrible experience I will have to go through again. I don't know if I should go... I can't say we are best friends but we were very close in the past. She supported me when I had hard times. But when I think about all those people who will come to the party I'm terrified. At the previous baby showers I've been on obviously everyone was talking about kids. This is not the worst thing. The most terrifying thing for me is that people asking me about kids and why I don't have any. I literally get panic attack every single time I remember about moments when people asked me those questions. Why people don't get it? Why don't they understand there're some questions which can really hurt? They will never understand I get it. They didn't have to go through a nightmare when they decided to have children. For them conceiving was easy. They don't know how hard it is for us to try to conceive for years. They don't know how hard it is to have a miscarriage when you put all hope and belief in your pregnancy. When they asked me those questions I want to cry and shout. I want to punch them in their faces. I know this is not their fault. But I don't have polite answers to such questions. All I want to do is run away from that place full of happiness in which there is no place for me. How do you cope with baby showers? Do you have answers for those painful questions? I haven't decided yet if I go to that baby shower... I dream about having my own baby shower. I imagine how wonderful it would be. Such thoughts help me to go through this nightmare.



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