Where to start?
8 Replies
Estellla - December 18

I came here to find help and support. It happened so that I can’t carry a baby. I had 6 MCs. I don’t think I will be able to cope with another one. It’s so hard and so unbearable! I feel miserable and I feel ashamed in front of my husband. I lost 6 children… I hate myself for this. I don’t understand why me? What have I done to suffer like this? All of my friends have families. They have kids, they have everything! And here I am who can’t even carry my own child. Of course I’m happy for them! Sometimes they ask me to stay with their kids, when they have work or some other staff. I love to play with them, read fairytales and buy toys for them. I feel so happy at that moment! I imagine how it would be if my children were alive, with us… Doctors said they don’t know the reason and advised us to try ART. I don’t want to waste time any more. It’s hard to live like this, tearing myself with guilt. Now I’m looking into surrogacy. But I’m so scared. I receive support from my husband. He thinks that surrogacy is a very good option for us. But both mine and his parents think that surrogacy is wrong and unnatural. I read here, how girls are grateful to their families. I have completely different situation. My parents blame me all the time. They think I do something wrong and that’s why I lost my children. My mother told me, that all women in our family have an amazing health and no one ever had problems with carrying their children. I tried to explain them that it’s not true. They never listen and we argue all the time. My husband is the only one who supports me. I just really hope that everything will change! I hope surrogacy will give us chance to be happy. Any advice? What should we consider? Where to start our search?

 

Estellla - December 25

I should say I'm a little bit stuck now with my research on surrogacy. My mind is full of completely different thoughts. The reason of this is upcoming baby shower of one of my friends. As I've mentioned already I try to avoid relatives and friends who have kids. I should say it seems to me that everyone have children. I literally don't talk to anyone. I received an invitation from her about a week ago. All I can think about is upcoming event. I've been to many baby showers and this was always a hard time for me. I'm thinking about this whole terrible experience I will have to go through again. I don't know if I should go... I can't say we are best friends but we were very close in the past. She supported me when I had hard times. But when I think about all those people who will come to the party I'm terrified. At the previous baby showers I've been on obviously everyone was talking about kids. This is not the worst thing. The most terrifying thing for me is that people asking me about kids and why I don't have any. I literally get panic attack every single time I remember about moments when people asked me those questions. Why people don't get it? Why don't they understand there're some questions which can really hurt? They will never understand I get it. They didn't have to go through a nightmare when they decided to have children. For them conceiving was easy. They don't know how hard it is for us to try to conceive for years. They don't know how hard it is to have a miscarriage when you put all hope and belief in your pregnancy. When they asked me those questions I want to cry and shout. I want to punch them in their faces. I know this is not their fault. But I don't have polite answers to such questions. All I want to do is run away from that place full of happiness in which there is no place for me. How do you cope with baby showers? Do you have answers for those painful questions? I haven't decided yet if I go to that baby shower... I dream about having my own baby shower. I imagine how wonderful it would be. Such thoughts help me to go through this nightmare.

 

MilanaK - January 29

Sorry for the late reply dear. How are you doing now? I should say I couldn’t hold back my tears while I was reading your posts. I feel so bad for you. No one deserves to go through such pain. Nobody in this world has done anything so evil to be cursed with infertility. Unfortunately many couples face it. If I could change the world I would give all couples who dream about children the ability to conceive and give birth. I can relate so much to you. I know I will never be able to have a child of my own. I will never be able to give birth. We shouldn’t lose hope, dear! There is a way out of this mess. Surrogacy can help us a lot for sure. I think you should start by thinking how much you ready to spend for surrogacy. Once you know the amount of money you can spend on it you can start looking for a clinic. I wish you good luck!

 

simmyC - January 29

Hi Estella. I'm so sorry for your situation. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I hope you and your husband will find solution. You are very strong woman! Everything will be fine. Did you check your husband's sperm? It is very important. If you want surrogacy to be successful your husband should undergo fertility check. I'll cross my fingers for you! Keep us updated.

 

Estellla - January 29

Hello Milana! Thank you so much for your support. I'm really glad I came on this board as I am receiving so many kind words. I really need some inspiration and motivation now. All of these are really help to move forward. Sometimes it can be so hard to keep going. Thanks to all of you I can get support I need and information to start my path to motherhood. I'm so sorry you've also faced infertility. As I see you've also chose surrogacy as an option. Haven't you started your journey yet?

I can't agree with you more. Infertility seems to me as a curse. The question I ask most of the time is "what have I done to deserve it?" I wish we could change this world so all couples who really want and ready to have children could have them.

I still have doubts about price. I've checked some websites with clinics(US and Europe) and their prices. Obviously USA has the highest price. Now I'm not sure we can find $150 000-200 000 to have surrogacy there though I read many stories about great experience from couples who had the procedure there. Greece’ costs varies from $80 000 to $100 000. It's a little bit less, but still a lot. Anyways there are many clinics to choose from in Europe. I hope we will find the one which will suit us the best.

 

Estellla - January 29

Simmy, I appreciate you replied to my thread. You are right. This process is not easy at all. I'm only at the beginning but I see already that everything should be done very carefully and every detail should be learned very attentively. We have already made the whole check of my husband's health, including the semen analysis. We made it in a reliable andrology laboratory which does sperm testing. They say this test can be done in every laboratory, but we had some troubles with a couple of them. This sperm check seems to be easy, but its simplicity can be very misleading. In reality it requires a lot of skills to perform a semen analysis accurately. However, it’s very easy to do this test badly (as it often is by poorly trained technicians in small laboratories which we faced during our previous checks for these years of ttc), with the result that can be very misleading. Also a couple of weeks ago we visited urologist. He gave my dh a physical exam and asked some questions about his lifestyle and medical history. My dh was asked about surgeries he had, medications he takes, his exercise habits, etc. We had to replace some of his medications. Also he was advised to quit smoking. This is probably the hardest thing for him to do! He quit cigarettes a couple of times, but when he has some sort of stress he is immediately back to them. Now he takes it seriously so I really hope this is for a long-term. Moreover I forbid him to carry his phone in his pants’ pocket. I've heard it may also influence male fertility. Also my dh had physical exam and hormone check. We’ve even done genetic testing. I'm relieved to know my dh is fine. I was afraid if he has problems with fertility we’ll never escape from this vicious cycle. His analysis is not perfect but little changes in the lifestyle will level his fertility up.

Again thank you for your support. I wish my parents supported us as much as you do. Anyway it's my life and my parents will have to cope with our decision. There is nothing they can do about it.

 

Estellla - January 29

Hello everyone who is following my thread! How are you? What news do you have? I hope you're doing fine. I'm so sorry I wasn't active for a while. I should say I'm stuck with my search on surrogacy. I was really depressed lately. I was thinking over and over again about my miscarriages. I'm always thinking about them but this time I felt like I had some kind of panic attacks. They didn't let me to free my mind and continue my search on surrogacy. Now I feel much better. I think Christmas preparations and holiday magic gave me some hope and joy. At this time of year I always feel good and make wishes for the next year. I hope 2018 will be great for our family. I want to believe that this time all our wishes will come true. I want to wish all of you best of luck! I hope next year will bring miracles to our lives!
We decided to go to Europe. The question is which country to choose? I know that each country has its own laws which regulate surrogacy. We’ll have a consultation with a lawyer in January. Which questions should we ask? My husband and I did all medical tests again. As I know we will have to prove that we really need surrogacy. Also I would like to talk to someone who has surrogacy experience. How did you choose surrogate mother? What criteria did you have? I hope you will talk to me! I would really love to hear some success stories!

 

Estellla - January 29

Recently I met my old friend. We haven't seen each other for a while. We decided to go somewhere and have some girls talk. We had conversation about our families and having children. She also doesn’t have any kids. She was always overweight. As it turned out she did some medical tests and she was diagnosed with PCOS. She was in treatment for years but unfortunately the disease doesn't go away. Despite this, she seems happy. I think this is amazing that she enjoys her life no matter what. She thinks it’s pointless to worry about things we can't control. She has her business, she goes abroad for vacations with her husband and she does charity work. She has no time for depression and sadness. I was listening to her and I was amazed! This is so great she doesn't put infertility in the middle of her life. I think maybe I also have to find some distraction because I feel like last few years I do not live at all. I exist and hope someday when I’ll have children I’ll start living and enjoying my life. I think this is not supposed to be like that. I really tried so much to find a hobby or distraction which would make me feel better. And I couldn't. That's why I decided that I should deep myself into surrogacy. So we’ll be able to start our journey as soon as possible. My friend gave me inspiration and motivation to become a person I always wanted to be. I want to be a mother and I will be a mother next year! Wish us luck!

 

karen009 - March 1

Hi dear! I'm so sorry about your situation. Unfortunately I've also faced infertility. My dh and I wanted to have children more than anything else. I've got pregnant when I was 22. I was warned about risks. My doctors told me I'm crazy if I leave a baby. My heart could not stand pregnancy. It might cause problems not only to my health, but baby's health as well. Also doctors told me there is high possibility I might die. All this scared me and I was confused. After long discussion with my dh we decided we should make it.

I don't know if I regret about this decision. I don't know maybe I would regret my whole life if I made an abortion on early term. Unfortunately doctors made me to terminate pregnancy on 6th month. I had dyspnea, edema, blood circulation disorders. I felt pain in chest. My heart was aching not only because it was hard for it to work for two, but also because I knew I should make my choice. I had to choose either I will live or my baby and I will die. Unbearable pain had never left me. I think it will never fade away.

We also decided to go abroad to have surrogacy. The clinic provided us with everything needed, so we felt absolutely comfortable in foreign country. We were met in the airport. We were provided with a taxi and it was transporting us to the clinic and to our apt. Btw, housing was also provided by the clinic. The whole process was under their control. They found surrogate mother for us in 2.5 months. We paid approximately $30,000 for everything. We didn't choose a surrogate mother by ourselves. Her appearance doesn't matter. The most important are her health and ability to bear a child. So our doctor chose sm for us.

Surrogacy is perfect option in your case. Be very careful in your search. There are hundreds of fake agencies. They take money away from miserable people and continue to live happily. That's why I advise you to contact clinics directly. Good luck, dear!

 

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